The past year was one of drastic change that started on this very day 2014.

It was all so dramatic. Too well orchestrated that it seemed unreal.

The morning of hope took a 180 and before we realised we were mourning the loss of my father.

I remember vividly the night before. The fear and anxiety that filled me. The weird notion that I had to say something that would latch onto him and keep him with us. I don’t know what came over me, but with everything leaning so close to being right I started to fear a slip up.

That turned out to be the last message I would send dad.

I don’t know if he read it. Honestly I don’t want to know if he didn’t.

The next morning was a flutter of excitement. At office I was on my toes, waiting for kif and mum to leave. I almost wanted to push them into a plane that would take them away to Ravenna, Italy. To me it seemed like everything was moving too slow that morning.

The call came from nan. 

Her voice was trembling so much ……… I think my fear got the best of me then . I was delusional for a bit when I thought nan said dad had come home. I actually smiled in my confusion and desperation.

He’s such a prankster, I thought.

I guess my mind was working so hard to protect me.

The next thing I heard was mum wailing in the background…… I didn’t need words then.

Dad was gone.

The past year was full of change and learning. I’ve grown more than I have ever before. We all have in ways.. 

My mind literally went blank. I’m not sure what the emotion I felt was. Disbelief? I almost had to force the tears out when Prop asked me what happened. 

Pull yourself together

The tears only lasted a minute as I cried on her lap.. I was happy she knew me so well… Her awkwardness in comforting someone was what gave me a sort of comfort. I couldn’t lean on anyone; I wasnt willing to.. I had to get home; I knew there would be panic. 

It wasn’t time to cry.. It was time to step up to the plate-ready or not.