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Between Wants & Needs

The constant war that wages in my mind and my search for a compromise

Golden Laurels

Hello!

So I wanted to do a tutorial of sorts but I didn’t really document the process while I made this…soo……..yeah. I’ll try explaining anyway.

I really really wanted to have golden laurels for my wedding and I went through so many sites looking for ready-made ones but either I wasnt happy with it or it was over my budget or it would take too long to deliver to take a chance on. So I decided to make my own.  Continue reading “Golden Laurels”

In God I trust

A life, no matter how small is still precious. And losing it hurts all the same.
I’m sorry I couldn’t do better.
RIP Tiny.

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Time

The past year was one of drastic change that started on this very day 2014.

It was all so dramatic. Too well orchestrated that it seemed unreal.

The morning of hope took a 180 and before we realised we were mourning the loss of my father.

I remember vividly the night before. The fear and anxiety that filled me. The weird notion that I had to say something that would latch onto him and keep him with us. I don’t know what came over me, but with everything leaning so close to being right I started to fear a slip up.

That turned out to be the last message I would send dad.

I don’t know if he read it. Honestly I don’t want to know if he didn’t.

The next morning was a flutter of excitement. At office I was on my toes, waiting for kif and mum to leave. I almost wanted to push them into a plane that would take them away to Ravenna, Italy. To me it seemed like everything was moving too slow that morning.

The call came from nan. 

Her voice was trembling so much ……… I think my fear got the best of me then . I was delusional for a bit when I thought nan said dad had come home. I actually smiled in my confusion and desperation.

He’s such a prankster, I thought.

I guess my mind was working so hard to protect me.

The next thing I heard was mum wailing in the background…… I didn’t need words then.

Dad was gone.

The past year was full of change and learning. I’ve grown more than I have ever before. We all have in ways.. 

My mind literally went blank. I’m not sure what the emotion I felt was. Disbelief? I almost had to force the tears out when Prop asked me what happened. 

Pull yourself together

The tears only lasted a minute as I cried on her lap.. I was happy she knew me so well… Her awkwardness in comforting someone was what gave me a sort of comfort. I couldn’t lean on anyone; I wasnt willing to.. I had to get home; I knew there would be panic. 

It wasn’t time to cry.. It was time to step up to the plate-ready or not. 

Lovin each day as if its the last,
Dancing all night havin a blast

The cogs are turning

I feel myself making progress. Slow as it may seem.
I’m moving forward in my own way.
The wheels are turning by the smallest minute.
A degree uncertain, but present.
I slow at the alleys. Caught up in my whims.
I runs past signals diverting my attention.
These roads are filled with beautiful distractions which I by no means dare forgo.
I long to see the next. Not the end.
Cause this journey is a blessing .

Sound of silence

It’s been 8 months since that day. It changed our lives so much. What followed seemed to be a continuous series of misfortune. I chased away the sadness, locked up my loneliness and barred myself for what was to come.
Life has kept us busy and in that we seldom found time to be sad about things. But worry wasn’t so hard to come by. Each new event brought a bit more concern. The path that I had paved was ripped up and I was surprisingly calm about it.

Sadness, great sadness and longing are things I have learnt well of.

My faith has taught me patience and my belief has kept me happy.

At the machine

Dad would always make fun of me when I sat at it. He’d laugh and ask what I was up to. He’d worry me by calling out to mum.

“Love! She’s sitting at your machine! “

then he’d look at me and smile. I’d be frowning back at him. “She think it’s hers now love!” I’d laugh and say “she doesn’t use it anyways.”
Dad was always curious. He was like a child. A beautiful curiosity and urge to help. It was irritating, at times, cause he corrected me and my ways.
But it was warm and loving and kind.
I miss him.

Life is doing a quick 270 and I’m feeling it by the day. This ship is sailing without a captain.

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