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Between Wants & Needs

The constant war that wages in my mind and my search for a compromise

Time again

It’s year two without you.. I cant believe we’ve managed to come this far. The wounds still feel fresh and new ones appeared where we somewhat expected it. 

Ive gotten engaged and then married and moved to a new city. Got a new job and quit and now I’m pregnant with your grandchild! Back at home once again. 

So much has changed – physically and emotionally. I feel estranged from her. It’s funny how we can’t seem to meet like we used to. She feels like a stranger. She feels lost and alone. And we just can’t seem to build those bridges across to her. Every new one collapses with small uncertainties. Every attempt is hindered by small arguments.

How I wish things could rewind to the way they were!

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When will we all smile together again?

Half of my heart

You would’ve loved it now.
I think you’d have retired and probably giving lectures.
I guess things would be a bit difficult. But for you I now realise they probably always were.
We have an “in-breed” now. An indie doggie. His name’s ‘Patch’. We picked him up just before the wedding in Feb.
I’ve moved to Bangalore and found a new job. It’s been a month today and I’ll be getting my first salary!
The house we’re a is quite nice. Gen visited us last weekend.
It’s been a year and a half since then. Almost two years since we last saw you. We miss you dearly.
Happy Birthday Daddy.

Learning about strength. Part 1

I don’t think there exists strong people and weak people. It’s simply a matter of what we see.

I think the people we find strong in our lives are simply people who are trying their best.

Strength isn’t tangible; it’s relative.

And the ones we find strong are no different than we are. They are fragile in their own ways, they need encouragement and care and appreciation.
Never forget that.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

from Forest Gump

Belief

I was waiting for her call.
To me this seemed like the last straw. I knew a week ago- this feeling in my stomach. The licks of fear and anxiety. I knew it all too well.

I really wanted this.

I asked myself, why?
Was it security? Was it self esteem?
I told myself finally that it was good regard.

I really wanted the experience.

I woke up and took it at the usual pace.
I prayed and cried out and sang disconnected a little. I urged my soul into it but it sank with ever nudge, like a punctured air balloon trying to gain altitude.

I asked God to forgive my waver.

I will be strong.

I sent the text and there was no reply.
I called later and the number wasn’t reachable.
It’s alright, I comforted, she must be still away.

Frankie sent me a message.
I saw, Isaiah 42:18-20 . I smiled to myself. He’s sweet to be so encouraging.

The call came in right after. We will be meeting tomorrow.

Isaiah 43:18-20 KJV
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.
[19] Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.
[20] The beast of the field shall honour me, the dragons and the owls: because I give waters in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people, my chosen.

I read the verses after the call.

My God is good.

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For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

Imagine my surprise when Frankie noticed this on the bottom of a Forever21 bag. That little note could really make a difference in someone’s life. Good job Forever21!

I’m blessed with opportunities that are unfolding before. But with so many choices it’s hard to make a decision. Blessed, none the less!

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Thank you cards finally going out. The photos were a nightmare to screen and edit. My poor sister pulled through. Thank you so much for everything Gen!

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